He was a good friend who knew my shortcomings and strengths as I knew his. He made me laugh. He supported me. He guided me through my rants on my difficult days. He took my side against his brother. He was going to be my future brother, too. He passed away last night at age 26 leaving us all shattered.
I still cannot comprehend the sudden turn of events. A healthy young man with a great job suddenly falling in to a dark abyss of a strange physical condition leading into a physiological one quickly spiraling into something dark and indecipherable, changing the course of events for people close to him when it was time for him to reap the fruits of hard work and to start out in life. I am glad that he probably didn’t know he was leaving. Before his heart rate started plummeting and he was not responding to anything any more, before he was put on artificial respiration, he asked me to send him the Lord of the Rings trilogy, his favourite series. I could never get it to him and this thought will forever plague my mind.
In less than one year I lost two souls close to me. These sudden inexplicable events makes me freeze and forces my mind to re-wind and de-crypt . There is still no explanation for this. Possibly there never will be. But I am glad my dear friend lived life to the fullest and hopefully didn’t have many regrets even if he was to leave unexpectedly.
This makes me think that since life isn’t promised to us, we just assume it is, its like a “this way up” container holding the fragile bits inside; if I died today at the age of 23, I would have enough regrets to sink a ship twice over. I will take this lesson very seriously and hopefully be able to change my attitude of revolving around a “work-success-reward-back to work” schedule. Though I accept that this attitude and some others about how one perceives life is also greatly determined by their environment and the people they constantly interact with. I guess the way out might me to let them not affect you if their effect is basically contrary to what you are and what you believe in or you can relocate and start over.
I may not be writing this piece in the correct state of my mind. Words don’t come easy. The analysis is difficult. But yet I know I have to change a fundamental way of perceiving and living life in all it’s pettiness and empty little successes or failures. Life is too large for that. Its meant to be lived king size. It shouldn’t be all about running after success which ever way you describe it. This does not mean that one has to lay back and do nothing and watch the sun rise and set encapsulated in one’s glass case imbibing and exhaling till the end of one’s days. Most human actions seem to be directed by personal, familial or societal dictum and forms the basis of gravitating towards the minimization of pain, suffering and disappointments. But somewhere down the line, for many of us who continuously sacrifice the present for a future that is not promised but it’s existence just a possibility; lose the most. I don’t want to be one such person.
After this period of shock and mourning for this unexplained passing away of a dear friend has finally settled in … I will try my best to work on the promises I make to myself for the sake of people I love and those who love me, to revisit the fundamental flaws in opinion on how a gift of healthy life should really be lived even if it means eliminating people from your world and not getting flustered by everything that doesn’t go your way. And it is in my hands to decide how I want to live my life and influence others with it, all to a large extent notwithstanding stuff beyond my control. If given a choice, I’d rather live a short and happy life than a long and unhappy one.
Here are some articles he wrote for our blog:
©The Idea Bucket, 2013-2014. Written by Ananya.